Sunday, 30 August 2015

Memories and Regrets

I have seen and experienced a number of horrific incidents in my life. One would think that time would take away their power to affect me to my core.

I once witnessed a boy being strangled. It was an "abusive sex game" that went horribly wrong. I shut most of the memory out until recently. I don't know for sure what happened to the boy but I can see his face so very clearly today. I had a nightmare about it this morning and awoke coughing and choking as I had vomit in my mouth and throat.

I am 48 years old yet today feel like a frightened little boy again. I feel very alone and that no-one will ever truly understand me. I am ashamed to say that I even feel that life has no purpose. I can never escape the horrors of the past. If I had spoken out all those years ago maybe some horrors could have been prevented. Maybe I wouldn't be the messed up shadow of a man I am today,

These memories and others I have mentioned came back after I called myself "Beyond Survivor". That feels like a sad joke right now. I feel very much a victim.


3 comments:

CherryPie said...

You were a victim but you also a Suvivor!

Debzamy said...

You have too much kindness to share with the world to resign yourself to being a victim Jan. Try to keep placing new good memories on top of the old, no matter how small the new ones are. You are in control of creating your memories now unlike the bad ones that others gave you when you were young x
Thinking of you (((())))

Donna said...

Hello, I believe you are trapped in a trauma response which has physical aspects that drive many symptoms. These symptoms (nightmares, flashbacks, feeling lesser than, etc) are involuntary nervous system responses and your struggles are not your fault.

Would you be open to checking out Peter Levine's book Waking the Tiger? It explains how trauma plays out over the years, and a treatment to release us survivors from our personal hell. Healing blessings are coming your way.

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