Tuesday, 17 September 2013

It's Time To Test My Wings..

It's been some time since I wrote much worth reading..  I have some new poetry which I shall release when I am ready. 

Over the past few months I have kept myself busy, mostly in the garden. I am out of therapy (9 weeks and counting!), and have been trying to find my place in this life.

Much has happened this year in and around my life. There have been several high profile abuse cases come to light. I do believe in "innocent until proven guilty" in most instances but some cases have sickened me.  I hope celebrity status does not protect the guilty..

The only thing that really stands out is that survivors of sexual abuse seem more able and willing to come forward. I hope this trend continues.  There is so much support available now than there was even a few short years ago, especially online. Much more work needs to be done not only in preventing abuse in the first place, but also in making sure that the victims feel able to report the perpetrators without fear of recrimination or of being made out to be liars. 

There may well be some people who report false abuse, of lying to get attention and making someone else's life a misery. I have been accused of such. I speak the truth and care not what so called family or friends think.  The most important thing I have learnt is that I was NOT to blame for what happened to me. I could NOT have stopped it and I certainly did NOT encourage or welcome it. 

It's been Thirty months since my breakdown in Turkey. Thirty months since I lay on the floor rocking back and forth saying I couldn't cope with life anymore. Thirty months since I stood on the outside balcony and seriously considered jumping off the forty foot high platform.  I am still here, more complete, more at peace than ever before in my adult life.

I intend to go back to Turkey soon and lay to rest those bad memories too. The holiday itself will be a welcome change!  I have many friends out there and it will be a pleasure to see them again.  

I am a strong believer in karma.. What goes around, comes around. Sometimes this process can be snail paced, other times like a whirlwind. Sometimes it needs a shove.  I have suffered much injustice and pain brought about by the actions of others in the past.  I think I shall have to whisper in the ear of lady fate and stir up a few whirlwinds of my own. 

Life as a victim was painful and debilitating. Life as a survivor was also often painful, but brought cleansing and hope for a brighter tomorrow. Life "beyond survivor" was uplifting,  educational and empowering.  

Now it's time to spread my wings.  I've been testing them for some time. Now I believe and trust in their strength and endurance. 

This blog has been neglected over the past months. I shall do more regular, but eclectic updates in future.

The heart of this blog is, and always will be, the journey to becoming Beyond Survivor. During that journey I have "met" some truly amazing and inspiring people. Many of them have shared their own words here. I hope that will continue. Life needs variety.  

We have a long way to go before the war against child abuse is won. We are winning more battles however. We will also lose some.  My goal remains the same, a world where the innocent are protected and the guilty are punished. A world where truth prevails and lies exposed. A safer world for the children of tomorrow. 

As for me personally.. I have learnt a great deal, not only about myself, but also about those individuals who inhabited my world for quite some time.  It's almost 2 years since I had to shut my business down. That loss combined with the loss of my business in Turkey hit me slap bang in the middle of a very difficult period (as regular subscribers to my blog and twitter feed will understand). 

I've had a lot of time to reflect on events. By remaining quietly "losing the plot" I had chance to re-evaluate the people and circumstances involved.  I've always been fairly "shy and retiring", especially as I've trusted very few people to see me, as me.  I've come to several conclusions, some of which I shall share here.

From an early age I was manipulated. Being a pawn was second nature to me. Being "used" was a state I came to expect and maybe even crave at times. I believe I almost had a "kick me" tattoo on my forehead.. (if you get my meaning?) I think I was an easy target for the many people who used and manipulated me in my later adulthood. I was too trusting, too eager to please. I also had times of thinking myself more capable of things than I actually was, a state I now see was encouraged.  I wanted a quiet life, to be left alone, to just exist. However, part of me wanted to be important, to succeed, to prove the doubters wrong. 

I've been ambitious from my late teens. I worked like a dog to get myself a better position in life. I put up with bullying, with years without holidays or even a full weekend break. I devoted myself to becoming a success. I made lots of money for my then employer, millions in fact. 

I wanted the rags to riches fairy tale. I had it too,  unfortunately..  I made something of myself. Three businesses, four homes,  big cars and a fancy lifestyle. Did it make me happy? NO.. 

It was nice, but the price was very high. The hours and the stress combined with the return of childhood memories sent me screaming into the night. I lost pretty much everything.

It's funny.. When you are able to give you are popular but when you are in need you are forgotten.  Time has enabled me to "see the woods for the trees" whereas in the past I could not. 

None of us have an infinite time on this planet. We should do our utmost to find inner happiness, to look within rather than look out wards and crave.  I've found my peace, as I wrote earlier.. I've also found the strength to stand tall, to fight for myself. 

I see the bigger picture now. I see who was true, who was false. I see that I have the strength, the time and the resources to do something about it too. 

I'm looking forward to it. 

Watch this space!


CherryPie said...

I am glad you are now able to see the wood for the trees and are able to breath again :-)

Kay said...

I've been reading about your journey. Sexual abuse isn't gender specific, however, men often find it more difficult to express emotions. This may be for a variety of reasons but most result from childhood. For example .... boys don't cry, stop being a woos, man up etc. This negativity and lies surrounding the male psyche often stop them talking about their abuse.
By you having the courage to speak out hopefully many will follow.
You are an inspiration. I am looking forward to reading about the next chapter in your life.


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