Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Confused about your sexuality? #childabuse #survivors


 

THIS PAGES DOES NOT STATE THAT BEING GAY, BISXUAL OR ASEXUAL IS WRONG, BAD, OR DIRTY. 
IT IS HERE TO HELP THOSE UNSURE TO SEE A POSSIBLE WAY FORWARD FOR THEMSELVES AND NOT A JUDGEMENT.


Many male survivors have had, or in some cases still have, issues around their sexual orientation or sexuality, and are confused as to whether the abuse they survived made them gay, bisexual or just unsure of who they really are.If the sexual abuse started at an early age, you probably grew up not knowing what was right, your personal boundaries were crossed and you may have had sex with other boys of your age or perhaps men again when you reached puberty, possibly re-enacting the abuse you suffered, or even to find the lost 'love that you thought you had been shown as a child.
If so, this time its down to sexual confusion, and how you see every situation as sexual, perhaps having sex with another man, more often than not due to sexual confusion, or in some cases will end up having sex with other men when drunk or on drugs, ending up even more confused and giving yourself immense pain
The simple answer to that your sexual confusion is based on the knowledge that your sexual awareness was triggered up at an early age, and you had no choice in that, and having been sexually abused, you became aware of what sex was all about, losing the innocence of your childhood.
Sexual Orientation is very different to sexuality, in that you can think you are gay, have gay thoughts, but your orientation is straight. Confused? Read on.
Sexual orientation is who you are, and who you choose to have sex with, is something you want and choose to do, and does not confuse your feelings sexually with your chosen partners
Sexuality is based on how you would describe your sexual 'being' and who you believe yourself to be.
An example; You may think 'gay' thoughts, view gay images on the Net, but do not act upon those thoughts and you refrain from ever having sex with males, remaining personally safe in being 'straight'
If you consider yourself to be 'straight', but have had, or sometimes have 'intruding thoughts' regarding same sex feelings, why not do something to tackle that issue now, and consider yourself to be bisexual in sexuality but straight in sexual orientation
WHAT? I hear you ask!
Its quite simple! You need to recognise that you had no choice as a child when abused, and that your adult mind screams that you were capable of having 'sex' with a man, so must be gay, dirty, perverted, etc, and you even may find intruding thoughts creeping in, but you are and remain straight in sexuality and practice.
The reality is that you'll never eradicate the memories of the abuse, but you can stop them messing up your life today.
Does it also help to know that you are not alone in thinking or believing that way, and that many male survivors express the same thoughts and feelings in recovery, but even more importantly, who the hell cares what you are, and what you do sexually?
Only you it seems, and who really cares who you have sex with? Other people are far too busy to worry about your sex life.
As long as you enjoy the sex you have, and dont hurt your partners, who cares what you do sexually, as long it does not involve children, so ease up on the guilt you give yourself, and have sex, SAFE sex, with whoever you choose to have sex with!



This issue is faced by countless men, at any time in their lives, and if you have found this page because you feel confused, it doesn't mean that you are alone in feeling this or in questioning who and what you are.
If you have been sexually abused, the confusion causes even more problems for you, and can destroy relationships, friendships and your life, if you don't face the problem and do something positive about it, and that doesnt mean go out and try it, which has been suggested by some professionals!
Its becoming more known that many male survivors have had, or in some cases still have, issues around their sexual orientation or sexuality, and are confused as to whether the abuse they survived made them gay, bisexual or just unsure of who they really are.
Still confused? Read on.
Sexual orientation is who you are, and who you choose to have sex with, is something you want and choose to do, and does not confuse your feelings sexually with your chosen partners
Sexuality is based on how you would describe your sexual 'being' and who you believe yourself to be.
Some research we have been asked to undertake has been on the issue of how many men identify themselves as gay, bisexual, bi curious, or unsure on gay chat sites around the UK and further afield, and who are looking to re-eact their abuse all over again
It seems to be the figure is quite high, in the way these guys state what kind of sex they want, all of which is abusive and nothing like sex should be.



CONFUSION WITH SEXUALITY
Being prematurely exposed to sex can cause a lot of confusion. Adult survivors of abuse may be uncomfortable with sex, which may lead them to question their sexuality. If the perpetrator was male, they may wonder if they are gay, particularly if their body responded to the abuse. Gay men may question if the abuse “caused” them to be gay. These concerns are common, and it’s not likely that abuse defines one’s sexuality, but it may cause some confusion.
DIFFICULTY WITH RELATIONSHIPS
Because of the misuse of power or trust, it’s common for survivors to have difficulty with trust/intimacy, distrust of power or authority, or unhealthy or abusive relationships.
HOMOPHOBIA
If the survivor’s abuser was male, he may grow to have strong feelings of homophobia (hatred of homosexuals). This is unfortunate because the survivor’s relationships with men (regardless of their orientation) will be inhibited and limited.
GRIEF/LOSS
Because those who have been abused experienced intrusive, frightening, or inappropriate events, survivors often feel a sense of grief or loss: loss of their innocence, loss of childhood, etc.
The feelings of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression) are common.
SEXUAL DIFFICULTIES
Early episodes of sexual abuse can lead to many problems or questions later, and it’s common for abuse survivors to experience the following:
1. Having sex with many partners to prove your heterosexuality, or that you're “OK.”
2. Fear/discomfort or ambivalence about sex; avoidance of sex
3. Fearing that sex will “ruin” a good relationship
4. Difficulty reaching/maintaining erection or orgasm
5. Seeing sex as non-relational: something that is done “to” rather than “with”
6. Seeing sex as a tool or commodity to get what you want, when all you need is love and comfort to make you feel normal.
7.Compulsive/frequent sexual activity (masturbation, hook-ups)
8. Frequent use of pornography, and then being called a sex addict, which is just another mask for the real issues.
COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS:


Those who have been sexually abused often have intensely fearful or uncomfortable feelings that are often dealt with by compulsive behaviors:
Masturbation, Use of pornography, Promiscuity, Over or under eating, Excessive exercise, Substance use, Gambling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The list goes on and on, and so does the pain and isolation, so perhaps its time to reach out, pick up the phone, or email, and talk through the issues raised by what was DONE to you?


STILL CONFUSED?This New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say they're straight and have sex only with other men. The survey found that 70% of straight-identified men having sex with men are married men.
The Center for Disease Control state that more than 3 million women are, or have been wives or girlfriends of men who secretly have sex with other men. The survey performed telephone interviews with nearly 4,200 New York City men.
A staggering 10% of all married men in the survey reported same-sex behavior during the past 12 months, prior to the survey taking place
Some of the findings include:
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men report fewer sex partners than gay men.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men report fewer STDs in the past year than gay men.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men are less likely than gay men to report using a condom during their last sexual encounter.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men are more likely to be foreign born than gay men.
This shows that a man who says he is straight but is having sex with other men is more likely to be married than a straight man who has sex with women, according to the survey.
Only 54% of the men who say they're straight and have sex with women are married, compared with the 70% marriage rate among the men who say they're straight but have sex with men.
The low rate of condom use makes the straight-identified men, and wifes, girlfriends incredibly vulnerable to STI's.
Sadly, no mention of what made these men seek out sex with other men, because something is driving them to do this

More confused....?Unsure whether to talk to someone about this, and try to work out why you feel that way?
Don't want to call a 'gay' helpline?
I am more than happy to help, via email or social media, if you feel unwilling or unable to call helpline or gay sites that almost seem to encourage you to try sex with other men, just to see if you like it!

THIS PAGES DOES NOT STATE THAT BEING GAY, BISXUAL OR ASEXUAL IS WRONG, BAD, OR DIRTY. IT IS HERE TO HELP THOSE UNSURE TO SEE A POSSIBLE WAY FORWARD FOR THEMSELVES AND NOT A JUDGEMENT.

AMSOSA - Male Survivor Trust

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You said: "If you consider yourself to be 'straight', but have had, or sometimes have 'intruding thoughts' regarding same sex feelings, why not do something to tackle that issue now, and consider yourself to be bisexual in sexuality but straight in sexual orientation"

This is the core issue and sadness when a man molests a male child. As there is somewhere in that experience in which the man convinces the child that he “likes” it which translates in later life as being gay. Not to mention, as you eloquently pointed out, this was their first sexual experience and probably first time they experienced an erection. The intruding thoughts or watching men have sex with other men, or even engaging in the activity does not make the person bisexual or homosexual. What happens is the person is desperately trying to gain control of what happened to them as a child. The enactment of homosexuality is a means of psychologically going back and regaining control but in the present as we truly cannot physically go back in time. When a child becomes sexualized and experiences some pleasant sensation, even during the horrid molesting, that memory, that experience remains within the individual. It is the same experience as when a male child first becomes erect when watching a woman undress. He will often attach erotic feelings to her clothing resulting in when he wears women’s underwear, he becomes erect. We go back to that point in time unconsciously when our body experiences sexual excitement. Therefore, if a boy experienced an erection because the man touched him in a way that caused it, the boy will always have this confusion if he is gay, bisexual or not. His body retains the memory even though his mind is distraught at the thought. That is the true tragedy when a man molests a boy. And the cause for much psychological confusion, devastation and lack of self worth. My heart goes out to all the men who have been molested by males. They are truly in the chasm of psychological black hole often resulting in drug use as a means to cope. Women molested by men do NOT experience this phenomenon.

~Nina Fox

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