Monday, 13 August 2012

All the men I am...

The most important thing I have learnt this past year is that "I" am ok, whomever I may be..

From a young age I strived to be what everyone wanted from me. Even if my personality had not fractured, I would still have had to be many things for many people. A child for all seasons. I had to please everyone, there were so many divisions within my family.

So many people strive to "find themselves"... Where do I start? There were nine of "me" which, if any , is the "real" me?

Will I ever know who I would have been had the abuse not occurred.. Through therapy and much soul searching I have come to terms with having split, the reasons and the consequences. Or have I? It is something I keep coming back to.

Through much of my life I have been known by a nickname. I don't recall whether I or someone else started it. "Janni"or "Yanny". It has often annoyed me but I have also seemed to accept it. Is it a combination of Jan/Danny? I don't know. Danny has been the most persistent and forceful of my alter personalities. It's the name Daniel that I was going to change my own to via deed poll in my twenties. Danny is the main character in my novella "A Winter's Tale"...

Is Jan dead? Am I in fact Danny?

D.I.D or M.P.D is a common "symptom" in those of us who were abused from a very early age. A coping mechanism, a way to survive and protect the inner child. It is said that a child's character is formed before it reaches six years old. The abuse I endured started when I was eighteen months old. . Or sooner? I just don't know for sure.

I can now look back over my life and identify times when my alters were in control of my actions, even why in many cases. What do I do with this information though? Will I ever be "just me" ?

So many questions remain unanswered, for now anyway.

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