Thursday, 12 July 2012

Carl's Story #childabuse #malesurvivor

I met Carl online a few months ago. He wishes to remain anonymous which I totally respect. Hence there are no contact details or links to him. Please use this page to send him a message if you wish, I am sure he will be grateful to hear from others via this blog. I feel so proud to know him and to have seen him grow and strengthen on his journey.

My Story

I have such fond memories before the abuse started, summers were long and warm, winters were snowy but more importantly I had the best grandparents anyone could wish for. But the day after my 7th Birthday, my life changed forever.
I rushed home after school to see my father and accidentally knocked his bottle of beer off the table, before I had a chance to say sorry, he punched me and knocked me to the floor. I never saw it coming and I had never been hit before and can still remember lying on the floor feeling very confused and then seeing the anger in his face as he came towards me. He did not stop with that first punch but continued to punch me at any part of my body that he could reach. I was crying for him to stop, but it only got worse.

The beatings got steadily worse and doubled in their intensity if he had been drinking or if I had been crying. Crying was just not tolerated and seemed to trigger something else in him and it was terrifying. When he went too far with the beatings, I would be force fed painkillers to keep my quite and mask my injuries.
The kissing and touching started at the same time and quickly progressed to him rubbing me and performing oral on me and then forcing me to do the same to him. Any resistance or hesitation was met with force and I would receive a severe beating. He threaten to shoot my dog on one occasion if I did not do as I was told and this together with the violence pretty much guaranteed my compliance. If I did as I was told, I was a good boy, if not I knew he could kill me without any hesitation.

When it started, my best friend was being abused by his father as well, but neither of us knew what the other was going through or that our fathers knew each other. But we were to find out one day when I was taken to his house to play and we were both summoned to the front room and had to stand in front of each other's father whilst they undressed us, we were forced to watch whilst the other was kissed and touched. This became a regular pattern for both of us to be abused by each other's fathers and our own, we were also forced to do things to each other whilst they watched. It was not long before my friend and I were raped for the first time. My father used so much force with me I tried to struggle and scream but I was not strong enough. For trying to resist, I was beaten up when he got me home and the last thing I remember was his boot coming towards me. I woke up 5 days later thinking I was in heaven but was so upset when I was told I was in hospital - I remember thinking that even god did not want me. He nearly killed me that night and I was kept in hospital for two weeks with my injuries. When he got me home, he raped me again just to prove that he could do what he wanted, when he wanted. It is only now that I know that my friend and I were being groomed for something much worse and when you are only 7, you have no idea how much worse it would it get.

When my injuries had healed (at least on the surface), I was introduced to the group. With the benefit of hindsight, this was nothing more than a paedophile ring made up of friends of our fathers. I had to spend a lot of time with the group and it lasted from a few hours to whole weekends, the things I was subjected too, I can only liken to torture, sometimes some of them were kind, but they seem to take pleasure in humiliating and hurting me but would get angry if I passed out.

Being with the group always meant having to be kissed, touched and penetrated sometimes by lots of men over the course of the evening or day, if there were lots of men at any one time, I would be given medicine which made me feel really weird. They would take pictures of what they were doing to me, and at times I remember they were videoing what was happening. Every time my father said we were going to the group, my heart filled with terror. My friend was also introduced to the group, and at times we were forced to perform various acts on each other whilst they shouted out their instructions and took their pictures.

So this became part of my daily life for the next 8 years, I was not allowed out except to go to school, and my only respite were school holidays with my grandparents. I had injuries for all to see, but no one tried to stop what was happening to me.

I never told anyone, I was far too scared of him to have said a word. When it all eventually finished, I tried to bury it all deep inside of me, pretended it never happened, I stopped taking exercise and wanted to put on weight in an attempt to make myself as unattractive as possible. I became a very shy, scared and angry teenager, skipped school a lot but kept myself to myself and would not allow anyone to get close enough to know me.

I left school with nothing but somehow managed to get into what would turn out to be a good career. I thought I was doing well, I had put it behind me getting on with my life, but I was living a lie and one day something happened to bring my world crashing down and all those memories and emotions that I had bottled up inside of my started to come flooding back at once. I ignored my work, I would just sit in my room and cry, I could not sleep and I was on a downward spiral.

With the help of some very persistent and caring people, I was helped into counselling where at least I was able to acknowledge that I had been abused and for the first time I had someone tell me that it was not my fault. But I still refused to say what had happened to me and became overwhelmed trying to comprehend the magnitude of it all. I buried it again, I did not want to relive it.

But it still affected me, I did not trust anyone, I built high walls to keep people away, I hated being kissed, I hated being touched, and reverted to pleasing everyone rather than facing my demons. Because of the barriers I had put up to protect myself, my marriage had difficulties especially with intimacy and when I finally told her the reasons, she walked out and our marriage was over. I did met someone else, but I started to tell her and she decided that she did not want to get involved with someone with so much baggage.

I then found a book which changed my life, it was written by a survivor of a child porn ring in the USA and I could have been reading about myself. It was hard reading, but I decided that if he could do it, I could. I did not want to be ashamed any longer, I didn't want to be alone any longer. I knew that to move on and perhaps have another relationship again, I had to face my past and try and come to terms with what happened, so I put myself back into counselling.

The counselling together with some very caring and supportive people that I have met though this website and other groups have helped me through some very difficult times. Many a day I have simply wanted to give up and bury it again, but I didn't, I stuck with it and every day it became a little easier. Today I can see just how far I have come, I still have a little way to go to finally break down the walls that I surrounded myself with, but I am certainly heading in the right direction.
I went through some horrific and terrifying things as a child, but I will not let it beat me or rule my life any longer. I am not that small boy any more, I am my own man with the strength and support to get through it.



ByronStol said...

I admire you in being able to write about your story. I wish I had that courage, regardless of you wanting to remain anonymous. I certainly would feel the same way about sharing my story. That was a very brave thing to do, to express those things that happened to you. I'm so sorry that you experienced such horrific trauma as a kid. I'm glad you've found support and heading in the right direction. Stay strong, you are a champion. :)

KidsHaveRights2 said...

Carl, I appreciate your telling this truly difficult story. There are no words one can offer you haven't heard or desired. So I will say simply, you are an amazing young man with a huge dose of survival. Be assured the risk and boldness you have shown will be a source of inspiration as great as the book you referred to. Accept my true love and respect. I assure you we do not travel this path alone.

Anonymous said...

Carl, thank you for the bravery you have shown my thoughts and prayers are with you x

Freida Curry said...

Carl, I am honored to read your story. I cannot imagine how hard it has been to talk about this. My thoughts, my prayers are with you. We cannot start to understand why these horrible evil men exist on this earth, but your story will inspire others to come out of their shell and tear down the walls they have built, to open up about their own abuse! Through your courage, you have most likely saved someone else's life. God bless you in all you do.

Patricia Singleton said...

Telling my story, in bits and pieces, in 12-Step meetings was the beginning of my healing from incest. I can only imagine the horror you lived thru. I lived with the constant threat of violence from both of my parents with my dad being the main abuser. My mom's abuse was more in the form of neglect. I was afraid she would shoot my dad if I told her about the incest since she tried to shoot him the only time that he ever actually hit her sometime before I was born. I grew up hearing that story told in my family. The only reason she didn't kill him that day was that she was so angry that she didn't check to see if the gun was loaded. She did pull the trigger. Threats of violence don't do the physical harm of actual violence but they do still scar a child and they keep you living in fear. Thank you for sharing your story. We all benefit when a survivor breaks their silence about child sexual abuse. The things that were done to you as an innocent child were not your fault.

Anonymous said...

Carl, thank you so much for stepping forth and allowing your voice, your experience to be heard.

Your story enrages me. I want to make every person take a lie detector test and if they flunk, the child molestation questions, they need to be sent to an island of no return. It would be a wonderful world if we didn't have child molesters, but since we do, couldnt we put them on an island? I entertain myself with the thoughts which would go through a child molester or pedophile's mind as they are loaded on a boat to the island.

Who ARE these peopl? I know in my case it was a babysitters husband & my step-father, the assistant police chief of the town I grew up in.

I AM so sorry you had to endure such wickedness. It IS our fault, my fault for not making our society a healthier place for people to grow up in. You CAN NOT legislate a child molester or pedophile into noy harming children. We can only rid ourselves of this plague. "You play, you pay" the island. The end.

It was a very brave thing you did. Your story is compelling and outrageous! My heart hurts for you as I say "Standing Ovation" Thank you, sincerely, @duffy1958


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