As I look back over my life I see that not only was I damaged as a young child, but that the shock waves have reverberated through my entire life. My personality fractured at a young age. This facilitated survival, though brought with it much confusion and pain.
I can see that it was not only I that suffered, but those who came close to me too. I was, as described in my last blog post, totally screwed up over love, intimacy and relationships.
The reverberations went out into my everyday life too. I was never good at mixing with people, I stuttered for many years. I still speak too quickly now, when nervous or embarrassed. My speech therapist helped me get over the stutter, but left me with the ability to speak faster than most people can think! My physical therapists eventually got me walking with both feet pointing in the same direction and enabled me to relax my hands so that they were not always clenched.
I was born with spina bifida occulta, a milder form of the disease. Unfortunately it wasn't diagnosed until my early thirties. A lot of damage had been done by then. When I collapsed aged 33 it took over six months before I could use my legs fully. I survived though, as I always have. Each battle has left its own scars, either physically or mentally.
My doctors were confused over many of the symptoms I was exhibiting for years. My G.P actually called me a medical mystery some years ago. I laugh now, but only because it's easier than other options. On my poem Help Me! I've attached a photograph of a man who seems to have the words "help me" coming out of his skin... My skin reacts in strange ways. You can play noughts and crosses on my skin quite easily. I have what is know as " Dermographism" also known as the skin writing allergy. To go with that curios condition I also have urticarial vasculitis. Both these conditions have been investigated but no cause, or cure, has been found in my case.
I could bore you to tears with other, varied, medical ailments. I shan't.
Stress! Yes it can kill and in many cases death might be kinder... Stress can lead to a multitude of medical problems. It can destroy lives, not just of the sufferer, but of those around them too. Be it emotional, physical or psychological stress. The effects are similar.
Despite everything, this little affirmation is very true of me...
"I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful."
I am a survivor. I am alive, I survived through it all and eventually have been able to share my "story" with you.
I am still healing, perhaps always will be. I am still learning what life should be about. Will I ever be "normal" ? Define normal and I'll tell you. Will I ever fit in? Fit in what or where?
I am me. I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, rape and torture. I am alive. I intend to live!
Yes, 24 years ago a devil went back to hell. The first stage of his journey was a fifty minute drive in an ambulance to the nearest hospital... He went there soaked and smelling of urine.