You have the right to express your feelings, whatever they may be, so by taking responsibility both for acknowledging what you feel and how you act on them,you will be then be able to own them. Feelings are a mixture of physical and emotional responses within your body, so listening to how they make you act will help identify what emotional state you are in, and what you need to do to deal with them.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse have complex care needs, arising from its devastating and long term effects which may be overlooked by statutory service providers, and care professionals. Too many survivors report a 'revolving door' experience being moved from service to service without having their needs satisfactorily addressed. Survivors frequently present in Health services with other symptoms e.g. depression, self-harm, drug/alcohol misuse, Genito- Urinary Medicine and Accident & Emergency. If you feel suicidal or self harming, please read, then RE-READ this again before taking any action.
Unless you are totally "off the wall", which you are NOT, you know that it is almost impossible to move away from these painful thoughts on your own.
What you need to do is get some perspective on the painful emotions that are arising, and that perspective can only come from outside of yourself, nowhere else.
You cannot, and will not be able to cope with this on your own, (for the time being anyway) so telephone or talk to someone.
As a Survivor of child sexual abuse, you need to be able to express the hopelessness you currently feel, or it will lead to you attempting to harm and hurt yourself, or even attempt to kill yourself.
Also consider, the child who was abused survived this, by whatever means it took, and he made it this far, and so can you, as the adult, even if feeling those painful memories again
Your thought process has been distorted by the abuse you have suffered, and a way forward is to remove mistaken thoughts such as:
"Everyone would be better off without me.
I would not have to feel the pain anymore.
it would be a solution to all my problems, I could finally stop hurting"
And any other excuse you choose to feel like saying at the time.
That is just one good reason to belong to a Survivors recovery group, allowing you to maintain contact with other Survivors who may have been through similar experiences.
Therapy and active participation in groupwork is important, which can and will remove the feelings of isolation you have suffered over the years.
It will also provide you with a safety valve to express the negative thoughts feelings and emotions.
Why allow your abuser(s)to continue to live your life?
They don't count at all! YOU DO!
You need to talk about the hopelessness you feel in struggling to overcome the abuse you have suffered, and in doing so, you will find a better way of moving out of the danger you are presently in.
You need to talk those feelings through, to understand your feelings, and come to terms with the fact that you are not alone; people do care, respect and love you, even if you don't want them to.
You have lived this long, survived this long, and have already begun the road to recovery, and you will have a good life to lead.
If you are still feeling suicidal or in fear of self-harming, call someone now!
Telephone a helpline, a friend, the Samaritans (Tel: 0845 90 90 90) just be sure that you resist the urge to self-harm or even kill yourself.
If you give in to these feelings, your abuser(s) win again!
Taking that one step forward towards healing will take away the pain you're in.
You didn't ask to be sexually abused, you didn't need to be sexually abused, and don't deserve to live with these feelings anymore. They belong to your abuser(s).
You have lived this long with the painful memories, grief and pain, perhaps hiding it as best you could, but by speaking out now you have started to recover and overcome all of this.
You are capable of doing this, and you should give yourself the chance to turn your life around and away from the feelings that have caused such pain for too long.
Try not to regret the past, but also never forget the past either. (do you understand what that means?)
Your feelings of despair are due to the abuse you suffered, and having endured it so far, why give up now! The painful emotions, and low self-esteem, can be overcome. You are worth far more than you realise.
You can heal. Recovery is possible.
The end results are worth all the effort and initial pain you have felt.
The Effects of child sexual abuse
The effects that child sexual abuse can have on a male child or adult outlasts almost any other event in their life.
They cut across all aspects of normal developments, leaving all aspects of life negatively affected.
All of this can and will, have an enduring, damaging effect upon male Survivors, and unless changed, will alter their personal and professional perception.
It will result in them being unable to maintain relationships, and can lead to misuse of alcohol/drugs, criminal involvement and related mental health issues, in extreme cases
All of our group member identify with issues related to alcohol/drug misuse, mental and/or physical health issues and/or major relationship issues.
The major destructive influences are..
Absolute control over the ’victim’
The abuse of power.
Destruction of trust.
Consistent brainwashing e.g. “you enjoy this….