Friday, 23 September 2011

Words That Harm #amsosa






Very little attention is paid to how damgaing words can be to you, when you were abused, and those words can continue to impact upon you throughout your life, often without you knowing how harsh an effect they have had on you. Some of the words were used to silence you, make you feel that it wasn't that bad, or that you even asked for it.
Some of those words haunt you and make you feel less of a man, less of a person, and cupable in what happened.
Some of those words seem to define who you are, however hard you try to fight against them.
Some of those words scream back at you that you are gay, weak, unsure, have concerns about what is commonly named as same sex attraction, but seldom says where that so called attraction stems from.
Please know, that no matter what negative words may come to haunt you at the moment, you can and are able to get beyond those words, with the correct supportive advice, and avoid anyone who tries to tell you who or what you are, because you are the only one who can make the decision.

STUCK FOR WORDS? UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY?
Many Survivors feel unable to express their feelings, thoughts and feelings, so here's a short guide to help you distinguish between a thought and a feeling, and become more aware of the differences involved. Thoughts are what you think, when asked for a response to a question that you may not want to answer, which often prevents you from answering truthfully
Feelings are what make you “tick” and react the way you do, often negatively, often damaging you as a person.
EXAMPLE: If asked what you feel against child sex abusers, you would be able to answer that with conviction, and express your feelings against the people who abused you, without any problems. (Unless you have a hidden anger problem, which can be worked on!)
If asked a more personal question, such as what do you think about in your darkest moments, you will automatically think “Can I answer that?” “ Will I be laughed at?” “Will people think me mad/bad/evil?” Then proceed to give the answer that you think should be said.
Those thoughts can prevent you expressing your true feelings, to yourself and others, and continue to block your recovery.
What happens when asked any question, or put in a situation is:
* You have a previous Memory.
* You have a previous thought.
* You have a previous Reaction.
* You have a Response.
Usually, its the wrong response, based on old behaviours, and off you go again, feeling bad...etc
This happens in seconds, automatically looking back on previous events, mistakes and events made in the past, and without being aware of it, the way you react NOW will and does prevent your recovery.


If you begin to trust, knowing that whatever you say will be listened to and accepted, you are on your way.
Try it, you never know what may happen, you may even find the true meaning to your thoughts, feelings and actions, and even begin to make some sense of it all.
STILL FEELING VULNERABLE?
Where does that feeling stem from?
Having been sexually abused, made to feel powerless, afraid, hurt, upset, etc. you are still carrying that fear into any situation you may find yourself, and still wrongly continue to feel some responsibility for what happened to you.
That includes guilt, in that you feel bad for anything that happens to you or even those around you.
You also feel bad about yourself, and who you are or seen as: (Weak, stupid, afraid, nervous)
Feeling vulnerable, and allowing that feeling to dominate your thoughts makes you shy away from situations that cause you to feel that, imagining or fearing, somewhere deep inside, if you’re not careful, you may be abused and hurt again, even just your feelings.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO INSTEAD?
* You avoid making friendships, avoid ‘dangers’ that may exist.
* You avoid letting people get to know you, just in case!
* You trust no one, look what happened last time!
* You hate being "seen" if you are you may be seen as vulnerable, lacking in some way.
* You allow your abuse to continue to live your life, letting the fears control your thoughts.
* You allow yourself to be controlled by your in-actions to say, do or speak out.
Why live that way, afraid to say or do what you want to?
Why allow the past to screw you up, making life unbearable at times?
Why not try to open up, begin to express your feelings, thoughts, fears and feelings and go beyond letting them continue to haunt you?
It takes just one word to start a conversation!
Why not try? If you choose to face whatever fears that are binding you, the only good result is that you will grow stronger for doing so, so it has to be a good move, however scary it may feel at the moment.

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6 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Physical abuse often heals much quicker than verbal abuse does. It is verbal abuse of ourselves that often keeps us stuck as a victim afraid to become a survivor. Often after our abusers are no longer in our lives, we continue to verbally abuse ourselves. Changing our own thoughts often has to happen before the healing can take place.

jeffssong said...

Thoughts vs. Feelings
What we've found is IF we are 'thinking', then we are not 'feeling' properly ... in order to get a 'grip' on the feelings we have to let 'go' of thought - completely - and then we can experience not only 'feeling', but the 'now'.

However, when dealing with past issues, memories are comprised of thought ... which lead to feeling. What we are struggling to do is incorporate those 'missing feelings' in those personalities which experienced them ...

And as far as 'answering' a question someone asks: we are well on the way to not giving a damn what anyone thinks, so we say what we want to and damn the consequences. If THEY have trouble with what we are saying, then that's THEIR problem, NOT OURS. Really opens one's mind up to the possibilities once you let go of that preconception that YOU need to match what everyone else is feeling IF you don't give a damn what they are ... a 'free' feeling of living 'free' - free from the pressures of meeting someone elses expectations and goals, or of being 'Normal' anymore ..
a truly liberating experience.

aspiritofhealingsings said...

strange I was thinking a lot about the guilt I am feeling in situations that are not my fault as well as how much I care about what others think of me. Well if they'd knew what I went through in the past they would think differently but well there is that part that protects no matter what :-( thanks for this entry!

nico said...

Thank you I am trying so hard to so this and you know I ran.... But this is the first time I came back ...you help me nath helps me .... First it was 2 only now 3 thank you Jan you are like another guardian angel and I need you all ... Hugs

Melanie Mulligan said...

This all makes sense but what happens when your family turn their back on you? When they don't want to talk about it because it's not comfortable for them do so. When they blame you and call you self obsessed when a trigger strikes and you show your anger and hurt. That's so hard to deal with...impossible almost.

Jan The Wounded Warrior said...

Melanie, I totally get where you are coming from. I think, from experience, the only option is to discard "relations" and form a family of supportive friends and loved ones who do understand. I am still being attacked with words from those who should have stood by me. My attitude is let them go rot in hell. Be yourself and surround yourself with those whom accept both you and your words.

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