Friday, 2 September 2011

Rape and Sexual Abuse Can Affect Sexual Orientation! - #AMSOSA

Many male survivors have had, or in some cases still have, issues around their sexual orientation or sexuality, and are confused as to whether the abuse they survived made them gay, bisexual or just unsure of who they really are.
If the sexual abuse started at an early age, you probably grew up not knowing what was right, your personal boundaries were crossed and you may have had sex with other boys of your age or perhaps men again when you reached puberty, possibly re-enacting the abuse you suffered, or even to find the lost 'love that you thought you had been shown as a child.
If so, this time its down to sexual confusion, and how you see every situation as sexual, perhaps having sex with another man, more often than not due to sexual confusion, or in some cases will end up having sex with other men when drunk or on drugs, ending up even more confused and giving yourself immense pain
The simple answer to that your sexual confusion is based on the knowledge that your sexual awareness was triggered up at an early age, and you had no choice in that, and having been sexually abused, you became aware of what sex was all about, losing the innocence of your childhood.
Sexual Orientation is very different to sexuality, in that you can think you are gay, have gay thoughts, but your orientation is straight. Confused? Read on.
Sexual orientation is who you are, and who you choose to have sex with, is something you want and choose to do, and does not confuse your feelings sexually with your chosen partners
Sexuality is based on how you would describe your sexual 'being' and who you believe yourself to be.
An example; You may think 'gay' thoughts, view gay images on the Net, but do not act upon those thoughts and you refrain from ever having sex with males, remaining personally safe in being 'straight'
If you consider yourself to be 'straight', but have had, or sometimes have 'intruding thoughts' regarding same sex feelings, why not do something to tackle that issue now, and consider yourself to be bisexual in sexuality but straight in sexual orientation
WHAT? I hear you ask!
Its quite simple! You need to recognise that you had no choice as a child when abused, and that your adult mind screams that you were capable of having 'sex' with a man, so must be gay, dirty, perverted, etc, and you even may find intruding thoughts creeping in, but you are and remain straight in sexuality and practice.
The reality is that you'll never eradicate the memories of the abuse, but you can stop them messing up your life today.
Does it also help to know that you are not alone in thinking or believing that way, and that many male survivors express the same thoughts and feelings in recovery, but even more importantly, who the hell cares what you are, and what you do sexually?
Only you it seems, and who really cares who you have sex with? Other people are far too busy to worry about your sex life.
As long as you enjoy the sex you have, and dont hurt your partners, who cares what you do sexually, as long it does not involve children, so ease up on the guilt you give yourself, and have sex, SAFE sex, with whoever you choose to have sex with!

This issue is faced by countless men, at any time in their lives, and if you have found this page because you feel confused, it doesn't mean that you are alone in feeling this or in questioning who and what you are.
If you have been sexually abused, the confusion causes even more problems for you, and can destroy relationships, friendships and your life, if you don't face the problem and do something positive about it, and that doesnt mean go out and try it, which has been suggested by some professionals!
Its becoming more known that many male survivors have had, or in some cases still have, issues around their sexual orientation or sexuality, and are confused as to whether the abuse they survived made them gay, bisexual or just unsure of who they really are.
Still confused? Read on.
Sexual orientation is who you are, and who you choose to have sex with, is something you want and choose to do, and does not confuse your feelings sexually with your chosen partners
Sexuality is based on how you would describe your sexual 'being' and who you believe yourself to be.
Some research we have been asked to undertake has been on the issue of how many men identify themselves as gay, bisexual, bi curious, or unsure on gay chat sites around the UK and further afield, and who are looking to re-eact their abuse all over again
It seems to be the figure is quite high, in the way these guys state what kind of sex they want, all of which is abusive and nothing like sex should be. 




The rest of this article can be found at http://www.amsosa.com/unsure.htm

All rights to this post belong to AMSOSA. Please do not copy without their permission.

9 comments:

Veronica Messegee said...

I've had many, many male gay friends. Every single one of them was sexually abused by a man when they were a child. I remember talking to a couple of different friends about why they were attracted to men instead of women. The answers I got were very similar: they couldn't imagine doing 'it' with women. Women were too good and too pure. They saw women as a madonna figure....which meant they saw sex (though pleasurable) as a dirty thing. They equated sexual attraction with dirtiness. I've always believed that their experience with CSA was directly responsible for them being 'gay.' Interesting post!

mcProdigal said...

Great article on a timely topic ... I've noticed the same trend as Veronica and I wonder why the correlation between childhood sexual abuse and thoughts of homosexual sex (whether acted on or not) isn't discussed. I assume it's because it smacks too much of calling homosexuality a disorder. I think discussing it would lead to emotional freedom for some gays in the same way that confronting childhood sexual abuse is liberating for many.

Pastor Sharon said...

Having to do my own homework through my abuse, I had to really look at who I am and who I am really attracted to. This is an excellent topic.

As a minister of a very diverse group of people, I have counseled with men and women who have been abused and this topic comes up often. It is worth getting out there.

mcProdical has a point about discussing this without the fear of calling homosexuality a disorder. It needs a voice. And I say that as a lady who is married to a lady and have been for 20 years. (legal or not, we are married before God. No one else really need have a say in it.)

Rin said...

You're full of shit.

Patricia Singleton said...

I have known a few gay women over the years and every one of them was sexually abused as a child by a man. It makes you wonder about sexual orientation. Having said that, I am not saying that this is true for every gay person. Some may be born that way as I have heard some say. I don't know. Who does? This is something to consider as a possibility. Thanks for sharing this. It needs to be brought out into the open for more discussion.

Anonymous said...

Have to disagree with people not caring about who you have sex with. When you work in a male environment, every apparently guy cares. They ask questions and when you don't satisfy those questions, they start to question you.

I personally do not believe people are born gay. But that doesn't mean it can't exist. I do believe there are different factors that can affect ones sexuality. Imbalances. Abuse. Sexual abuse. Neglect. etc. Can one change? Change is a strong word when it comes to sexuality. I prefer evolve. When one understands why they feel the way they do, it destroys the barrier that their brainwashed mentality's have created. But I don't think it's for everyone. Some are comfortable with who they are and could care less. Some are more aware and observant about their feelings and understand why they feel the way they do. They may not be able to connect the dots but they get that their past has affected their sexuality. In the end, different strokes for different folks.

I was abused when I was a boy. Physically, mentally, and sexually. By both men and women. I liked girls but I was struggling with being a man because of the things that happened to me. I didn't have a father and my mother wasn't there for me. She painted a bad picture of men for me so I grew up hating the man side of myself. I didn't want to be like the men around me or be like the father that left me. I was called names by own family and their friends. Picked on at school. Faggot, gay. Girly boy. Pansy. I didn't understand what they meant until I was about 11-12.

Once I understood what gay meant, that confused me further. I thought I must be gay because of the things that happened to me. My craving for male affection and attention turned sexual in high school when my confused curiosity willingly acted on a sexual act with another boy. I always wanted my first time to be with a girl so this destroyed me.

I shut down in high school. I was shy to begin with. Not confident. Didn't have a male figure to look up to, to protect me and teach me how to be a man. Very confusing time. It pisses me off when I read that sexual abuse has nothing to do with sexuality. It absolutely does. I'm living proof. Just because other sexually abused people don't want to make the connection is their own preference. They want to feel like they were born that way. But we're not. At least not naturally. But who cares in the long run. Be happy with you. If you're not happy and feel like there's something missing, than maybe you should try to understand why. I do believe sexuality is fluid regardless of the factors that cause the confusion in the first place. People change. Taste change. Life happens. We react.

Anonymous said...

It is a psychological issue. For some. But I don't believe homosexuality/bisexuality/etc. is a disease or anything. I think people can change. Anything is possible. But it isn't a psychological issue for everyone. Only for those who are uncomfortable with being bi/gay. I'm not talking denial but deep down they don't feel bi/gay. Their hearts are not in it. Some have lived the "gay life" and still weren't happy. They feel something is off.

Repetitive behavior/history has a tendency to create more confusion on top of the existing issues that have led them down the road they have been down. Those that are completely and utterly comfortable with their sexuality, cool. More power to you and equality. But we do need to be more open about this. More open about sexuality in general.

Why is it okay for a woman to be bisexual but not a guy? It's more accepted because women are more emotional beings. Well, men are to. What are some men afraid of? Back in the Greece days, sexuality was fluid and bisexuality and homosexuality was the norm.

If we can get a place where it's normal for men to experiment than I do believe there would be less people who turn out to be gay. There's more of a stigma with men because it's not masculine or hot. With women, men find it hot for two women to be together. There is a double standard and that affects young boys/mens mentality and behavior. It creates fear. We need more interaction. More affection. I have a WW2 friend of mind who use to tell me stories of how men use to be more playful and affectionate with one another. Lay with one another. Rest their heads on their laps. Hugs. Kissing. Not making out (unless drunk maybe) but affectionate kissing. Nothing sexual. And it was OKAY. But somewhere down the line, someone started a movement that right now, is slowly being undone. Individuality is slowly returning. Creativity is slowly returning. Fashion is returning. They're just things. You don't have to like sports to be a man. You don't have to drink beer or eat fast food to be a man etc. The prerequisites and false mentality are being broken down. Great thing.

Sorry for the ramble. lol It just nice to see that someone KNOWS that sexual abuse does affect ones sexuality. To say there's no scientific evidence for it means squat. There's no scientific evidence to suggest there isn't. The evidence are the abused who feel deep down and Know for a fact that it has affected them. Some (like myself) are self aware and observant and know that the past does affect you. Nice to see someone trying to throw it out there.

Anonymous said...

Interesting to read another person's account of how sexual abuse affected them and comparing it to my own. I do believe sexual violence, abuse can affect your attractions, sexuality, sexual orientation. I went through a great deal of abuse as a child, ranging from neglect, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse. I have PTSD/CPTSD, so if something so traumatic can cause physical and biological changes to me, why couldn't it affect orientation? I still have a great deal of healing and recovery to do and struggle with many things sexually and run through a spectrum of emotions revolving around anything sexually related. Feelings of fear, revulsion, disgust. It's difficult to work through and in all honesty, I believe a part of that will stay with me. They may drop off, subside, and then something triggers them again. I would guard or caution anyone from making statements about their identity or sexual orientation, until they've worked through their abuse first. The person you are at the end of therapy is far different than the person you are at the beginning. Your feelings sexually, your ideas, your beliefs, which for many sexually abused children that are codependents coincide with what they think people want them to be, who they want them to be, will change. You have to find your own voice, your own being, amidst the rubble and shattered pieces of what was done to you, without listening to everyone else's expectations, demands of who they want you to be. Codependents fall victim to that I think too often. I made the mistake of saying I was a bisexual woman more out of pressure, yet it didn't coincide with who I felt I was. Well, I don't think it's a mistake per se, and maybe I'm choosing the wrong word for it, but I wasn't doing it for me. I wasn't happy saying it. I don't want to live a life anything other than heterosexual, because that's where I'm happiest and feel most complete with myself. I had to pick apart my attractions, and further define them and why I couldn't go there, and why I would not feel comfortable in a same sex relationship. That's okay. It's okay to say that and feel that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, lesbian or bisexual and I support LGBT rights, but I felt I was stating it because it's what people wanted me to say. While I don't deny having felt attractions towards some women in the past, I didn't want to act upon them, because I was married, for one, and I couldn't ever picture it in the future because I'm not emotionally attracted to women. Without that emotional bond or level of intimacy and love, it would seem like a pointless relationship and one I would not be happy in. Yet my feelings and attractions do change as I go through healing from the abuse I went through. So not only is there fluidity, but at times I feel completely heterosexual and sometimes asexual, where I'm not attracted to anyone at all. It's all perfectly normal. I'm so sorry for the abuse you went through, and yes, I understand how devastating and tragic it can be. Your statement and perspective helped me, to understand my own feelings much better. Thank you for your courage in talking about what you went through and your road to recovery.

Anonymous said...

Excellent, it's about time everyone let people like us talk openly about this and express our feelings, emotions etc without fear of being ridiculed.
It's very hard being a man ( and for women too ) to express what happened, how it made them feel and issues with sexuality etc.
I myself have issues, I was abused as a child and finds myself looking at naked men and women to try and work things out.
It's my way, plus I read a lot about it.

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