Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The Hand

I can still see the hand on my body, blue veined, fingers stained yellow by tobacco, running over my once innocent flesh with a possesion that was almost complete.  That foul dirty invading hand slipping under my waistband, I close my eyes, pretend I am not there. The voice, telling me I have to learn new things, I have to understand what happens when I get hard, I have to know what to do when I am a man. The hand again, now invading my most private and innermost areas. My rectum reacts and I am told to relax, it will feel good, it will help me to sleep. Sleep? Sleep and I are not good friends. Sleep makes me vulnerable to the hand.

The smell, dirty whiskey breath, invades my senses. The smell of teeth uncleaned, hands unwashed, a body fetid.

The rope now cuts into my wrists, tightened by the hand. I am helpless, I cannot fight. I do not. I just wait, close my eyes and wait. I am flying now, I am a dragon.

My wrists burn, my insides burn hotter. The hand is everywhere. Drunken anger accompanies the hand and its invasion. I hurt, I am ashamed, I hurt.

The hand is my enemy, it's fingers sew together my finger tips, it's fingers rip my flesh. It's strength fuelled by drink and a foul passion. The hand once held me as a baby, nuturing me, waiting for it's moment. The hand has my blood in its veins. Why is the hand trying to kill me. The hand puts its fingers into my mouth. Foul, smelling fingers, I choke. I am a dragon, I can fly.

The hand takes my stitched fingers and I have to hold his member. The hand controlls mine. I feel sick once more, I close my eyes, I wait, I hope.

Now I see the hand, and I smell the lingering fetid memory. Now, when I should take joy from love, I see the hand and I am reminded of it's power.

I cannot relax, dare not sleep, dare not give all of me over. The hand is waiting, if only when I close my eyes, if only when I sleep.

The hand and it's friends they took what was me, they ripped it up, they bruised and destroyed, they stole my innocence, my life.

I wasn't a dragon and I couldn't fly.

August 2011

16 comments:

@sheepfoldcarer said...

I want to close my eyes too.
An expressive, evocative, horrific & beautifully written post.
You are a warrior dragon and your words fly.
@sheepfoldcarer

Angela said...

This is such a heartbreakingly courageous post! I hope that now you have found your wings:)

CherryPie said...

I admire you honesty and feel your pain.

I have always found it horryfying and disgusting that adults can treat inocents in that way.

But I do believe you will fly :-)

touched2mysoul said...

Flight does come...

Metal Man said...

With the help of my friends we shall fly together. Thank you so very much.

Metal Man said...

It was a very difficult piece to write. The hand has haunted my life, even now it's evil can reduce me to mush. I intend to have it chopped off! I know I cannot do it alone though.

Metal Man said...

We can ALL fly together!!

Patricia Singleton said...

I, too, closed my eyes to the incest of my childhood. I didn't want to see what was happening to my child body. I don't have many visual memories because I did close my eyes.

Together we can overcome the shame of our past. Together, with our words and writing, we give the shame back to our abusers.

I made the committment yesterday to my writers' group to write the first chapter of my memoir. Your strength and the strength of all of my survivor friends give me the strength and courage to finally sit down and start to write.

I have known since I was a child that I would write about the incest. It was the only way that I could see for any good to come out of my childhood experiences. Together we can become firebreathing dragons who burn away the shame and harm done by our abusers. We can fly.

Gord Wilson said...

I hate that "the hand" worked so hard to undermine who you are and who you might have been. I do believe that expressing yourself like this will move you from being a victim to being a survivor. All the best to you in your future!

butterfly101664 said...

Wow! I can't even begin to imagine the horror! You're very brave for sharing and bringing hope to others!

Jan WordWizard said...

This post has brought a great deal out into the open over the last 8 months. Thank you for giving me the courage to carry on opening up to the past.

Unchained said...

The fact that you're able to communicate and share about the trauma in your past shows you are incredibly brave and strong - it's a massive step in healing, as you probably already know. But I'd expect nothing less from a dragon.

nico said...

Wow just the name I cringed ... I could see the hand of my loneliness and despair pain hurt and child and womanhood ruined ...he too told me the things I needed to learn ... I was told and shown and told stories perverse to a little baby innocent girl of 7 at least that is when I remember ... I still don't think it has all come back ... I can't be touched soft ... I can't stand it there ... This opened up wounds but I needed to see that it wasn't only me ... Thank you ...you have made my tiny world a better one ... And everyone could fly !!!!!

Freida C said...

I am so sorry for what you've went through. This is a very disturbing, yet moving piece. I hope that in time you will be a dragon and fly away, with wings spread wide, to soar above all the hurt and pain this individual has caused. You will succeed, if you no longer allow the hand to control who you are. Never lose faith and fight to find the strength to cut that hand from you life...God bless you for having the strength to share your story with others. My heart hurts for the person you've been, but leaps for the person you are to become.

@belwalsh1 said...

May your story fly with Dragon strength and power, so that justice will be finally done against these evil monsters...so that one day no more children will ever have to suffer the horror and indignity that you suffered. Thank you for sharing your story...may you find peace

@belwalsh1 said...

May your story fly with Dragon strength and power, so that justice will be finally done against these evil monsters...so that one day no more children will ever have to suffer the horror and indignity that you suffered. Thank you for sharing your story...may you find peace

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