Sunday, 8 April 2012

Dissociation - We did it our way

I have "coped" with my life in many ways. From the fantasy escapism of my previous post, denial, writing, drinking, obsessiveness and maybe most importantly by the use of my "mask".

Dissociative identity disorder


My masks are different characters with strengths and weaknesses that compliment the whole. Everybody can put on a mask, in my case it became my means of survival. Over the years they have been numerous but have come down to about three.

Danny is basically confident, flirty, eloquent, charming and unafraid of risks. Good at business and financially astute.

Zachary Is a reckless, moody teenager at heart! He loses his temper easily and acts like a spoilt brat at times. He is very protective of the "inner child", the core being. He likes possessions, he likes to spend. He also likes his alcohol..

Jon is the child as an adult. Dysfunctional, depressive, anxiety ridden, emotionally cold, subservient and afraid of everything. A hopeless romantic who always falls for the wrong person.

Together they make up ME. These names have been inside me since I was about ten years old. Zach was first, followed by John then much later, Danny.

They are the guardians of my inner child, my wounded warrior.

I have had different masks in the past, even female ones.

Over the years "I" have lost time. I didn't slip into some time/space fracture. I can only assume that a guardian had taken full control. I was tested for epilepsy some years ago. It was negative.

I frequently get what I have called "waves" across my head. A feeling of spacing out, sometimes accompanied by nausea. Occasionally I can totally phase out. Then time is lost. A few people have come to recognise these times and apparently when I am phased out I act as a totally "normal" human being. Well normal in that I eat, speak etc.

I think the guardians know more than me.....

So, here I am. Should I say here we are. I just don't know.

Time will tell I am sure.

UPDATE....... September 2011

I was contacted via Twitter last night and asked to explain further the relationship between these guardians.

A good friend of mine last night said she hadn't known about my masks. It got me thinking. If she remembers many years ago my appearance would change quite dramatically. She even said this to me last week but she was referring to expressions more than appearance I think.

To go back to the first question.

Jon is nearly always present, it is only when the phase outs happen that Jon is totally blanked out. The rest of the time feels like a party going on inside my head. I do not see them as separate entities, more aspects of the whole. We are Borg.....

Update....February 2012

During a chat with a friend recently it transpires I was wrong...

Danny was the first split. He is also now the only one, other than myself, that remains.

In my twenties I was even going to change my name... Daniel Benjamin Frayzerman.

Three times in the last year Danny has held independent conversations with others online. Well, three times that I know of.

Jon and Zachary intergrated before Christmas 2011. Now I need to sort out Danny.

Update.... October 2013

I'm all alone!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

It must get pretty confusing keeping up with them all. I think if you give something in your mind that you don't understand a (name) it just brings it closer to life? Why go there? You r stronger alone as one, But we all need brothers to walk the road with, not to judge us, change us , but to help us stay strong. When I say brothers I mean other humans male or female.

Jan WordWizard said...

The causes of dissociative disorders are complex. Studies show that a history of trauma, usually abuse in childhood, is almost always the case for people who have moderate to severe dissociative symptoms. But not all trauma survivors have a dissociative disorder, so the relationship is not one of simple cause and effect.

A fuller understanding comes from looking at your childhood relationship with your parents or guardians. If the relationship was insecure and you were abused, then you were, and are, more likely to use dissociation to protect yourself from the trauma. The combination of an insecure relationship, trauma and dissociation can result in a complex dissociative disorder.

Recent studies show differences in the brains of people with trauma-related dissociative disorders, but it is hard to know if this is a cause or effect.

A number of experts agree that the following factors have to be present for a person to develop the most complex dissociative disorders e.g. DID, or DDNOS with features of DID:

abuse begins before the age of five
abuse is severe and repeated over an extended period
the abused child has an enhanced natural ability to dissociate easily
there is no adult to provide comfort; the child had to be emotionally self-sufficient.

Anonymous said...

We all dissociate to some extent or another. Babies do it quite regularly. It is a natural physiological response to being overwhelmed. Children who are sexually abused are extraordinarily overwhelmed. Dissociation allows the child to literally take a break from the abuse, to distance her/himself from what is going on, and ultimately to survive. Some survivors describe dissociation as feeling as though they were not really there during the abuse, but were far away perhaps watching from a distance. Some survivors describe it as they split off from the abuse, and floated up to the ceiling or into a crack in the wall. Some survivors go really far away, deep inside themselves, and create different personalities to deal with the abuse. Multiple personalities are usually formed in the context of more extreme, frequent, or sadistic abuse.
Dissociation occurs on a continuum from the far left where someone is not present in the moment and is off somewhere else, they may or may not feel spacey; everyone does this at one time or another. Further along the continuum people feel split, or like they are not one person inside, usually there is an adult and a really vulnerable or hurt child. Further along, survivors have a few dissociated personalities. Even further toward the right of the continuum, people have many different personalities, identities, parts, fragments, and/or different groups of parts inside. These personalities may or may not have names. Survivors near the right end may not have fully formed personalities, but lots of highly fragmented parts. At the far right end, survivors lose time which they may or may not be aware of. They may find themselves places, and not remember how they got there and have the experience of living different lives. In addition to a continuum of dissociation and multiplicity, there is a continuum of co-consciousness;the degree to which parts inside are aware of each other, and communicate and cooperate with one another. Achieving co-consciousness is an important step in the healing process.

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