Saturday, 30 July 2011

Revelations

Having spent most of the night awake, and getting nightmares when asleep I finally woke up with a fresh mind. I have a new understanding of my early life. Well the first 34 years actually.....

Let me start with my dear dear bitch of a sister. She was born whilst my father was married to his first wife. My father was not allowed to see her or my mother until he left his first wife (my grandparents forbade it). I know from other family members, friends and by her own admission that she grew up with a BIG chip on her shoulders. Not only was I born in wedlock, but I was wanted so much that my mother refused cancer treatment whilst she was carryig me. My sister has made my life difficult (to say the VERY least) at every chance she has had. She treated our pets better than she treated me. She has no power over me anymore and I publicy disown her. She is nothing.

My grandparents... My grandfather mostly. He was not only an alcoholic paedophile, he also used humiliation and "torture" on me. The acts of cruelty, degradation and sexual abuse I was subjected to by him and his cronies were too varied, too frequent and too horrific to totally ever be wiped from my mind. My subconsious tried to protect me, and now it is letting things through. I was used as a toy and a tool. I was raped and my young body and mind were bruised and fractured.

I became accustomed to being the underdog, the one to fetch and carry, the one who did whatever was asked of him to please. This was my LOVE. The seeds planted during these horrors grew and I was a docile, cowed, terrified and broken human being. I also kept the peace and never complained, never told. My mother was very ill, my father was disabled. She died when I was 9, him when I was 19. I suffered in silence, but inside I was SCREAMING.

I know that my sister and in part my grandparents blamed me for the fact that my mother died. The day of my fathers funeral my sister blamed me for his death too.

Because I grew up accustomed to being used, abused and walked over It has always been a part of my "make up". I grew up feeling emasculated. not a MAN, but a thing. I had no rights. I had no say. My place was always that of the underdog.

My grandmother... Well I thought I was her everything. I was wrong there too. She must have known what was happening to me. I do know that she rarely shared a bedroom with my grandfather and that she had affairs. I shared his bed instead.

I have been screwed up my entire life. No longer. I refuse to let the sick depravity of others have any control over me anymore. Whilst I know I have some way left to go in order to heal properly I finally feel that I can and I will.

What will become of my future I do not know, but what I do know is that it will be my choice and I will control it.

I have made so many mistakes, errors of judgements and right royal screw ups in my life. Time has come to accept, realise and move on.

For those I have hurt in my life I am sorry, really sorry. I have never abused anyone, but I have behaved badly many times. I have upset people and behaved like a selfish spoilt uncaring bastard. I apologise.

Now... 12 1/2 days to go before the weekend retreat. God help them!

Today feels like a GOOD day.... Must now try and stay positive as I have had good days before and the fall back to hell can be painfull...

I no longer feel alone. I no longer feel as I don't deserve to be happy.

I have hope, courage and I hope the strength to see myself through the rest of my journey.

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