I don't feel as if I developed as I should or could have.
This has a devastating affect on my confidence. When I am in a situation where I have to "be a man" one of my alter egos step in. I describe it to myself as time to put on a mask.
I have never been a good mixer, always only having a handful of "friends". I always wanted to be "one of the lads" to join in sports, to be accepted as an equal by my peers. Instead I was bullied at school and had few friends.
I don't know how to join in.
I don't know how to be a man.
I was a breach birth. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my throat. Not the best of starts.
"Apparently" when I was just over 12 months old my grandmother kicked me in the head as I played on the floor. My parents were told I had fallen. Because my mother decided to have me and not have treatment for the cancer that was eating away at her she was ill all the time I had her in my life. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. She had treatment after I was born, and lived nine years.
The kick to my head was witnessed by my sister who was 6 at the time. She only talked about it some 30 years later. Not to me, someone I know.
About the age of 8 I had another accident and the same spot on my head was "hit" again. This time I ran into a door.