Monday, 25 July 2011

Morbid Mondays

Masculinity or the feeling of a lack of it has plagued me all my adult life. I was a late developer, probably not helped by the abuse of my body. One of my abusers would pluck out or shave my pubic hair, just for the sheer hell of it. The abuse was not always sexual, it was also emotional. I became accustomed to feeling worthless and a freak.

I don't feel as if I developed as I should or could have.

This has a devastating affect on my confidence. When I am in a situation where I have to "be a man" one of my alter egos step in. I describe it to myself as time to put on a mask.

I have never been a good mixer, always only having a handful of "friends".  I always wanted to be "one of the lads" to join in sports, to be accepted as an equal by my peers. Instead I was bullied at school and had few friends.

I don't know how to join in.

I don't know how to be a man.

I was a breach birth. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my throat. Not the best of starts.
"Apparently" when I was just over 12 months old my grandmother kicked me in the head as I played on the floor. My parents were told I had fallen. Because my mother decided to have me and not have treatment for the cancer that was eating away at her she was ill all the time I had her in my life. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. She had treatment after I was born, and lived nine years.

The kick to my head was witnessed by my sister who was 6 at the time. She only talked about it some 30 years later. Not to me, someone I know.

About the age of 8 I had another accident and the same spot on my head was "hit" again. This time I ran into a door.


1 comment:

Zephyrr Sky said...

Hey:) I'm a chick n I know exactly what you mean. I have struggled a lot these last few weeks with thought that I'm damaged. I have spent the last 30years thinking "someday, when I get it all together". I'm 46 now and feel like I'm broken. given away/stolen at birth, parents divorce, sexual physical, verbal violence. I struggled to make and keep good friends and as you said, felt/feel underdeveloped. But mine isnt physical. I still want to make stupid decisions. I still am trying to make friends. I still am not enough or deserving for my husband. I find myself in situations that I'm embarrassed of.

I am so sorry for what they did to you. Any adult that would blame a baby for things.. Your grandma was horrible. Horrible to hit you kick you. I'm sure that was the least of it.

This is Kami from twitter btw!
Sending safe hugs and love! I get a lot from you blog. Thanks for sharing you!

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