Thursday, 19 January 2012

The jumbled musings of a once deranged mind



Mine obviously...

Be warned in advance that this may not make sense but my life didnt until recently so here goes.....

What happened to Me was not MY fault. No matter how it was twisted to make me think so. It was notMY FAULT, I did not invite it, did not want or look in any way for it.

It is said that a child's character is formed before it is 6 yrs old. I have no idea if this is true or not, but if so my character, my mind, my body were abused, raped and degraded and my innocence stolen from me. I cannot get it back.

What I can do is make a new start. The past will never be forgotten but I can take away it's power to control my present and my future.

Whilst the road to recovery might still be rocky, at least recovery lies at it's end. The ability to actually be part of life again, not an onlooker. To be the man I was born to be, not a shadow of him cowering away from life and all it has to offer.

I have always loved science fiction and fantasy. My favourite films and books are on that genre. Maybe I saw them as an escape from my mundane, muggle life. I also love history, Roman and Greek especially. I enjoy cooking, gardening and the simpler things in life but have never really felt "free" to do so.

How wonderful to spend time with someone, no need for idle talk, feeling safe, happy and love. To actualy enjoy the close proximity of another human being, without feeling fear.

The is so much inside me wanting to get out, to feel and participate and enjoy life.

I don't want to feel dirty anymore, soiled and unfit for love.

In will get there, I will not let the ghosts of my past haunt my future.






4 comments:

learnercurious1 said...

I meet with a mens group 2x's a month.I have been doing this for 10 years.We discuss mens issues and what it is to be a man.I am still growing up At age 71.
your reads are well taken.
Keep making the Difference U are.

Anonymous said...

I will not let the ghosts of my past haunt my future.

Very powerful statement and one we all should live by. You cannot change nor do you have the power over the past, but you do have the power to change the present which is the road to the future. How the human mind operates is just amazing to me. What we hated about a person in the past, like a critical parent, is absorbed by our psyche and acted out over and over upon ourselves. Like a loose string that we try to catch and tie… it continues to evade us…and hence, our continued focus. You are incredibly intelligent and courageous about expressing those areas that are not “popular” conversation. But it is REAL!!! And it is YOU, and fot that I am so grateful to have the HONOR of reading and experiencing life through YOUR eyes.
((( Thank You )))

~Nina Fox

Phoenix said...

Yes, I read your words and I know of what you speak, as these things happened to me, too:

"my character, my mind, my body were abused, raped and degraded and my innocence stolen from me. I cannot get it back."

I felt that way, too.

Journaling helped me to look at myself honestly. Keep writing, writing, writing. Just know, Wounded Warrior" that if you just believe in yourself, you will heal all those wounds then turn around and help others.

(((Hugs)))

Phoenix said...

Just know, Wounded Warrior" that if you just believe in yourself, you will heal all those wounds then turn around and help others. Keep writing, writing, writing.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...