Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Freaking Out

Life is a roller coaster. Right now I want to scream, STOP! I want to get off.

Not in a suicidal way. Been there, not going back. Why give the bastards the satisfaction.

Growing up I was told I would amount to nothing, that I would probably end up in a mental Institution, or on the streets. Well I had a short visit to them both. I walked away too, head held high.

My revenge on all my abusers is that in many many respects I made a success of my life.

Yes there have been many mistakes, wrong decisions, people hurt. The person I have hurt most is myself.

I have denied myself happiness in the past because I have felt I didn't deserve happiness.

I reached for it several times, wanted to be "normal".

I'm my own kind of normal. Being me is normal for me. I couldn't be you could I!?

There are so many things that you probably take for granted that cause me pain.

I cannot eat a meal now without choking. I have been checked out and physically I am fine. Have you ever had a salad, or a beef dinner that tastes of human faeces? And yes I know what they taste like, not through choice I assure you.

I have urticarial vasculitis. Non specific. My body develops angry wheals. Stress is murder. They just appear. I have had dermographism Since childhood. This gave great pleasure to the abusers. Have you had noughts and crosses played on your naked body?

I suffered from a speech impediment which suddenly appeared when I was five. It took years to enable me to speak correctly through therapy. Now and then it comes back.

I lose time, black out, go vague. Been tested for epilepsy, negative. It's a form of D.I.D

At the age of thirty I was told I had the joints of a man twice my age.

The list goes on.

So why shout STOP I want to get off?

I am terrified of what else I am going to remember.


Gail Thornton said...

I'm terrified, too.... I'm with you, Jan

Anonymous said...

We r different. But u r not alone :)


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